Liquid gold. The BEST way to bond with your baby. Immunity. Nutrition. Oral health. Intelligence.
I was a lactivist; a hardcore believer and spewer of the “breast is best” sentiment. I believed every . last . word . the breastfeeding community shared and shouted from the rooftops.
I gobbled up all of the fascinating facts and biased beauty of breastfeeding my nursing degree placed in front of me.
I brainwashed my husband to believe it too. But then I had a really shitty experience (times two) and my tune has changed. It wasn’t a challenging latch or supply issue or mastitis that made it so shitty. I had two boys who were great eaters and I produced just enough milk to meet their needs. But they never took a bottle and I had some nasty nursing aversions that lasted the majority of our nursing relationships.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I fucking hate breastfeeding and that, *gasp*, I won’t burn in eternal mommy wars hell if I choose to formula feed any more children I may someday be blessed with.
Wow. That feels good to get off my chest.
To be honest, I believed I couldn’t have more children if I didn’t want to breastfeed. I was so deeply entrenched in the fallacy that breast is truly superior that I seriously, SERIOUSLY thought bringing a child into the world and formula feeding would have been an impossible action for me. But, between 54 months of breastfeeding babies who never took a bottle and Bipolar Disorder … I NEEDED another option. So, obviously, I went to the Facebook moms’ groups for ideas. Here’s what they came up with and what I was thinking in my head:
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“This was me! But the hormones after the baby was born totally washed those feelings away and I was ready to breastfeed again!”
That may be all wonderful in the first little bit when it’s all snuggles and delicious new baby smell. But hormones don’t coast you through (never ending) sleep regressions, or nursing aversions so bad you want to vomit, or Post Partum Depression… But guess what does help? Handing your baby to someone else with a bottle and GOING TO BED.
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“Why don’t you just pump and bottle feed?”
Why don’t you try to pump milk from my boobs. Good luck getting 2 ounces…pumping and I just don’t mesh and I have zero interest in trying any harder at it.
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“But it’s normal for XYZ…”
I’m not an idiot. I know it’s normal for babies not to sleep, for moms to be tired, and to have babies who need LOTS of physical contact. Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt (and the perinatal mental illnesses). I need sleep and having a bottle fed baby makes it possible for someone else to feed them while I get said sleep. That sounds like #winning to me.
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“Don’t you realize what’s IN formula?!”
Actually, yes. Yes I do. A complement of nutrients to meet my growing baby’s needs. Maybe it lacks things breastmilk does have – but enjoying the interaction surrounding feeding my baby trumps any bonuses breast milk may boast. There are even MANY options that are corn syrup free.
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“You know you could use donor milk.”
This is one point I thought long and hard on. It’s true – donor milk would help. But morally, I can’t shake the feeling that these hard pumpin’ ladies are doing so for babies who are in NEED. The babies who are sick. The babies who are early. The babies whose mama’s desperately want to breastfeed but just can’t. Not for me.
I had the answers all along. If I have more babies, they will be bottle fed from the day my milk comes in. Ideally, they will be nursed too. Because damn…breastfeeding can be so convenient. But I am 100% prepared that hybrid feeding may be short lived. And that’s OK. You know why? Because #momlife requires doing what is best for everyone and sometimes that ain’t breast.
