Here is my mom edition of the Christmas poem!
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Every creature was stirring, right down to the mouse;
The stockings were flung by the chimney without care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would not stare;
The children were wild all buzzing in their beds;
While visions of Fingerlings danced in their heads;
And mamma in her sweat suit, and a cat in my lap,
Had just opened our wine, as the toddler refused his nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my LaZboy to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I staggered like a flash,
Fell into the shutters and threw up in the trash.
When what to my exhausted eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight very loud rein-deer,
With a little old driver so lively and quick,
I rolled my eyes and told the wife it’s clearly St. Nick.
More loudly he jingled the more annoyed I became,
As he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
“Now Dasher! now Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!
On Comet! on Cupid! on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”
So up to my brand new roof, the buggers, they flew
With the sleigh full of toys, leaving tons of scratch marks too—
And then, in a thump I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each stupid hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney that man came with a bound.
He was dressed ridiculously, from his head to his foot,
And all my clean carpets were tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a damn thief just opening his pack.
His laugh was too loud as he tried to be merry!
If he wakes up the chidren, this whole night will get hairy !
His steps got louder still as he put on a bow,
I swear to god I’m going to chuck this man back in the snow;
He had an annoying face and a big round belly
That shook my house when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had everything to dread;
He spoke not a word, but woke the kids with his work,
And then froze as they came running, man what a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
He poured me another glass of wine as I rose;
He bailed to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight—
“Happy Christmas to all, and good luck with your night!”
